5 Reasons Narcissists are Attracted to You
So you dated a narcissist and now you are trying to figure out what the hell happened.
It started out so well. He was absolutely amazing. He attended to your every need or wish without you saying a word. You received constant messages filled with sweet words extolling every positive quality that you did not even realize that you had. He interestingly enters your life meeting your friends sooner than you would have allowed normally. It’s funny how the situation “just happened.” But it feels so good, it must be OK. He is Prince Charming come to life. You’ve hit the jackpot. You wish that you had met him years before.
All is amazing ……for anywhere between 3 weeks to 2 months. By month 3, the landscape is ….different.
Seemingly out of nowhere, he says something uncharacteristically harsh or degrading, but follows it with a smile or a backhanded compliment. You seem a little confused, but you brush it off because this is strange, unexpected and just maybe you misheard or misunderstood him. Then something similar happens again, maybe a harsh comment about something that he had previously expressed was something that he loved about you. A positive attribute all of sudden is a character flaw. And he makes that blatantly clear.
In public, he is charismatic and everyone seems to love him. However, he makes cutting remarks to you that only you can hear. You are being degraded & debased in plain sight and no-one is the wiser. If you say something now though, people will question you because he seems so cool, charming and calm. In private, your Prince Charming has become a living nightmare. Perpetual remarks to diminish you. The outfit that he once loved now “makes you look like a slut.” It’s confusing and insidious. Yes, this is really happening to you.
When you mention the private weekend getaway that he insisted on planning, he responds, “I don’t know what you are talking about. Are you crazy? I have too much with work to take a vacation right now. Are you paying for it? Where the hell did you get that idea?” You feel confused. “Didn’t we discuss that a few weeks ago? Did I make this up in my head?” Now you start to walk on eggshells around him, hoping that your next comment will not send him into a rage. You slowly begin to question your own sanity.
As time passes, you do not realize it, but you are being slowly conditioned to question everything you do. You begin asking for permission for every little decision. You desire his acceptance of every action that you consider. The once fiercely independent woman is now a shadow of herself when she is with him. You also notice that you see him only when it serves him, such as he wants a trophy on his arm for an event. You have been psychologically subjugated and it happened so slowly you cannot pinpoint where things went awry. But because it was a slow progression, it’s ominously effective.
By now though, you already have feelings for him and you’ve already told your friends how amazing he is. If you said something contradictory now, you may look like the crazy one because your friends only know of the Prince Charming.
Over time, you realize that you have been dating someone on the narcissistic spectrum. It would take at least a 6 hour discussion to truly explore all of the variations of narcissism that you may experience when dating because they are not all the same. Some are more extreme than others. Some are loud braggarts and others seem more vulnerable on the surface.
But there are characteristics that are common.
Sense of entitlement - “I am entitled to do whatever I want. The rules don’t apply to me.”
Exaggerated self-appraisal - “I’m the best at this. Everyone else is just inferior. Only I can fix everyone else’s mess.”
Standards are unreasonably high & increasing - That extends to people in their lives & the goalpost is ever moving.
Lack of empathy - Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Incredibly fragile ego - Highly sensitive to the most insignificant slights
Relationships are largely superficial and exist to serve their own self-esteem regulation
This last characteristic is where women become engaged. Narcissists believe that they deserve the best. Period. This is not the guy that is nervous to approach you because you may reject him. He is the guy that will approach you because if you do reject him, something is clearly wrong with you and you must be flawed to not desire him. Often, if rejected, this guy will launch into a demeaning rage to put you in your place and nonchalantly move on to the next victim without missing a beat. People are tools, nothing more. People are tools to boost his ego. He is not interested in you, only what you might represent.
Without further adieu, these are the
You are attractive.
Granted, being attractive will bring most of the boys to the yard. However, most of the boys will not approach you. But a narcissist will confidently swoop right in and charm you, expertly. Remember, that narcissistic relationships are largely superficial and exist only to serve as a boost to their ego. Hence when he sees a beautiful woman, he thinks, “if I had her on my arm, that says that I must be amazing to have landed her.” So frankly, any attractive woman will do. He does not see you as any more special than the next attractive woman. The game of pulling her in is appealing and rewarding because you make him look even better. But beware. The beautiful woman that he just absolutely would bend over backward for is now old news and everything about her becomes a hassle. Your usefulness has been depleted and he’s on to the next.
You are successful or are driven to be successful.
Again, the idea is the same. If she is successful, how great does that make me look? This boost to the narcissist’s self-esteem is powerful. He sees you two as a power couple, even if the only successful person in the couple is you. He can’t be bothered with mundane details such as that. He has you. And you make him look good. Unfortunately with narcissists, they have a tendency to eventually resent your success and degrade you with comments revolving around your success. “You think you are better than me? You are pretty stupid to be so educated.” Those comments are very common in this scenario.
You are kind and empathic.
You may imagine a world where you think, of course, everyone respects one another and would not intentionally hurt someone. You see the good in everyone. Well, that mindset is the narcissist’s playground. Narcissists are very socially attuned. They are masters at identifying the positive attributes of others simply by studying them. Everything that you express to a narcissist is like recon ammunition. You mentioned that you need to help a friend move over the weekend or take your grandmother to the grocery store. All the narcissist heard was “I can use you and you are so sweet that you will see it as helping me. Jackpot.” It sounds nefarious because it is. But who wouldn’t be attracted to someone that is nice and genuinely likes to help others. Unfortunately, the narcissist is opportunistic in that respect.
You have a narcissistic parent.
If one of your parents is narcissistic, you may unconsciously find yourself attracted to someone possessing similar characteristics. As human beings, we seek familiarity. We cannot help it. It is engrained in us. This seeking familiarity is especially exhibited in the friends and mates that we choose. Even if we consciously do not like certain characteristics that our parents possess, we will unconsciously be attracted to them. Although the relationship with our parents is not romantic, our parents become the guide for what a romantic partner and relationship is supposed to look like.
Keep faith though. Your past does not have to define your future. This cycle can be broken and it is my privilege to work with clients to gradually identify what we are attracted to and shift that perspective. Just because your parent was a narcissist does not mean that you are destined to only be with narcissists.
Of course, breaking a cycle is easier said than done, but it is absolutely possible. More on that later…..
5. You silence your own needs
Are you often the one “giving” in your relationships? Do you find the concept of self-care as a distant idea that is not relevant to you on a regular basis? Narcissists prioritize themselves above all else. Naturally, a person who facilitates that exaltation of the narcissist is perfect for them. If you are someone that views focusing on yourself as “selfish,” then you have the capacity to exclusively focus that attention on someone else (the narcissist). This dynamic is even more pronounced when there is a history of trauma. This is further amplified if the emotional or sexual trauma occurred in childhood. The adult manifestations of childhood sexual trauma are devastating & often reverberate into adulthood.
What could be better? Someone that is attractive, kind, driven and will focus attention on the narcissist. And if they have a narcissistic parent or a childhood history of trauma, they have been conditioned since birth to acquiesce to the needs of someone else without question. The narcissist’s job has become easier and ultimately rewarding.
Believe it or not, recovery from narcissistic abuse is absolutely possible. You can recover your authentic self and break the cycle, even if it started in your childhood via a parent. Therapy & empowerment coaching focused on the effects of antagonistic relational stress or narcissistic abuse are powerful, life-changing tools to empower you to accomplish this goal. Some may try sex therapy that focuses on empowerment and healing from prior traumas.
You can be the woman that you used to be or desire to be. She already exists within you. She is well within your grasp.
In Houston, Texas, I have been privileged enough to work with clients that are struggling with narcissistic abuse from a parent or a loved one. I have also worked with clients healing from sexual trauma. The work of breaking through narcissistic abuse or sexual trauma is not easy, but it can be life-changing. The changes may be incremental, but over time they are monumental.
You can become your own liaison of empowerment.
www.genevievemarcel.com
