Of the individuals that seek sex therapy, 56% of women and 34% of men have a history of childhood sexual abuse (CSA).

Let that sink in….

Many people seek sex therapy due to a perceived form of sexual dysfunction. Maybe they have a lack of sexual desire with their spouse. Maybe they have an abhorrence of being touched, even by their spouse. Maybe arousal is a challenge. Maybe they have flashbacks during intercourse. If the flashback takes you back to childhood, that can be emotionally traumatizing..

In the situation of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), oftentimes someone that you trust and love erodes your boundaries, disregards consent and exerts power. Since this degradation of consent, boundaries or rights comes from someone that you trust, it can be confused & interpreted by a child as some form of love or affection. As children, we are not born being able to recognize what love should look like. We learn by the example of our elders. In the case of CSA, the child receives attention that seems akin to love, albeit devastatingly inappropriate. While they are hurting this child, they are expressing what the child learns to understand as a version of “love and attention.”

Fast-forward to adulthood. Being with someone that erodes your boundaries & disrespects you all while expressing their love is ….normal. As odd as it may seem, this is the norm that has been set since childhood. Therefore, it does not seem strange, but familiar. We gravitate towards what is familiar. This can result in challenging lifelong relationship patterns..

To provide a little perspective, the following are a few

Common Adult Manifestations of Childhood Sexual Abuse

1) decreased ability to gauge the threatening or harmful nature of individuals

2) diminished ability to set boundaries

3) heightened need for love and acceptance

4) tendency to acquiesce to the desires of others

5) tendency to silence their own thoughts and needs

6) earlier age of first voluntary sexual experience

7) sex may be used transactionally in the hope of love & affection

8) unaware that they have the right to decline unwanted sex

9) excessive need to please others

10) sexual compulsivity to unconsciously relive the trauma or seek acceptance

What might this look like from a distance?

The odds are high that some of those individuals that kids called promiscuous in school may very well have been sexually abused as young children. It would be rather simplistic to simply view this person as promiscuous. Often, this person is seeking human connection from those that they are unable to identify as threats or people with no regard for them. And why not? This precedent was set at the age of learning how to behave with loved ones and learning how to attain love.

It does not have to be that way forever. That same child, now an adult, can learn to understand why they choose certain mates and begin to choose differently. That person can learn to view themselves as someone to be genuinely loved. That person can learn to quickly dismiss those that do not have their best interests at heart. That person can elevate their self-worth and love for themselves.

The changes can be incremental, but the effect is monumental.