Adult manifestations of childhood sexual abuse
Have you ever had a friend that made the absolute worst decisions when it came to a mate or partner? On top of that, she seems to date similar versions of a bad guy over and over? She continually dates people that use her, abuse her, disregard her and she seems to go back for more? Maybe you even thought of her as a slut?
What if she behaves this way for reasons that she does not even understand herself? Is she stupid? No.
The key to understanding may be more complex.
She may very well have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). She is likely not actually choosing those men. They are likely choosing her and she acquiesces because they showed interest and were “assertive, but nice”…like the perpetrator from childhood.
To provide a little perspective, the following are a few common characteristics of adults that have experienced childhood sexual abuse:
1) decreased ability to gauge the threatening or harmful nature of individuals
2) diminished ability to set boundaries
3) heightened need for love and acceptance
4) tendency to acquiesce to the desires of others
5) tendency to silence their own thoughts and needs
6) earlier age of first voluntary sexual experience
7) sex may be used transactionally in the hope of love & affection
8) unaware that they have the right to decline unwanted sex
9) excessive need to please others
10) sexual compulsivity to unconsciously relive the trauma or seek acceptance
With these characteristics in mind, the resulting trauma behaviors start to become understandable.
Most people seek sex therapy due to some form of sexual dysfunction. Maybe they have a lack of sexual desire with their spouse. Maybe they experience erectile dysfunction and there is no medical reason. Maybe they have an abhorrence of being touched, even by their spouse. Maybe they have flashbacks during intercourse.
Of the individuals that seek sex therapy, 56% of women and 34% of men have a history of CSA. That is a lot of people suffering in silence.
As a child, everyone that you trust is close to you (mom, dad, siblings, cousins). But because life is busy for many individuals in the house, the child may not receive the attention that they may need or desire. However, someone begins to show said child attention and even something that seems akin to love, albeit inappropriate. In the situation of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), oftentimes someone that you trust and love is eroding your boundaries. While they are hurting you, they are expressing what the child learns is a version of “love and attention.”
Fast-forward to adulthood. Being with someone that erodes your boundaries & disrespects you all while expressing their love is ….normal. As odd as it may seem, this is the norm that has been set since childhood. Therefore, it does not seem strange, but familiar. We gravitate towards what is familiar.
The odds are high that that girl that was called a slut in high school may very well have been sexually abused as a young child. She is likely not a slut, but seeking love from those that she was unable to identify as threats or people with no regard for her. And why not, this precedent was set for her while she was at the age of still learning how to behave with loved ones and learning how to attain love.
It does not have to be that way forever. That same girl, now a woman, can learn to understand why she chooses the men that she does and begin to choose differently. That woman can learn to view herself as someone to be genuinely loved. That woman can learn to quickly dismiss those that do not have her best interests at heart. That woman can elevate her self-worth and love for herself.
Mindfulness is….
Over the years, I have heard many complicated definitions that conjure visions of mystical beings floating on clouds that make us mere mortals leave with that puzzled look of I heard the words that were spoken however I still only have a vague idea of what the meaning truly is. It wasn’t until I read The Art of Mindfulness by Thích Nhat Hahn that I read a definition that even a child could understand. “It is the capacity in each of us to be present one hundred percent to what is happening within and around us”.
Revel in that for a bit.
To be present in the moment of what is happening within and around you.
How many times have we stood in a line and felt the compulsion to pull out our phones because focusing on what was happening around us was just not quite fulfilling enough? How many conversations have we had with friends where we heard what they said, but in reality we were waiting for a semblance of a pause to interject with the point that we actually formulated while they were still talking? How many times have we read the news on our phones while eating a meal? And responding to a text during a phone conversation or, better yet, while standing directly in front of someone….oh yes. Guilty as charged. These would all be examples of us (me) not being present with 100% of our being.
Why does it even matter? Multi-tasking is commonplace
What happens when we are multi-tasking? As effective as we think that we are, if we are honest, we find that we are actually less effective and take longer to accomplish our tasks. Even still, we become anxious and frazzled from juggling so many tasks at one time. Picture it: you look at your watch and realize that you only have 15 minutes to pull your work together before we need to present it What do we do? We try to compensate by doing everything faster and trying to accomplish multiple things at the same time (because that always works out). But what really happens? We drop papers on the floor, trip over ourselves, accidentally create the same typo 3 times in a row only to need to correct it 3 times. Now we have to go back and redo these actions and frankly spend more time than if we had taken our time. We made it on time (barely), but now our nerves are fried and anxiety reigns supreme. What if we had taken our time? The moments when you force yourself to take your time and do it right the first time, something miraculous happens. Not only did you execute your task beautifully, but you are calm and ready for nearly anything in a peaceful mindset with less stress….AND you accomplished it in about the same amount of time.
Another example is how quickly we respond to requests or stimulus. Imagine you are working on a report with a deadline and someone enters your office with a “quick question”. “Can you do me a favor and pick up X?” Because you are laser focused on your report, you quickly say yes…forgetting that you actually have other things to do. So now you are committed to doing something that you don’t have time for because you weren’t mindful in your response. Had you paused before responding and focused on the request along with its implication, you would have responded differently.
How does one focus on one thing with 100% of your being?
It is the most simple yet also the most challenging thing to do. We take the second or two to slow down and focus our attention on what is happening in the present. We invest ourselves entirely into what is happening right now. Not thinking about what happened yesterday (the past) or what might happen tomorrow (the future). We keep our thoughts and actions in the present moment. Taking a second to pause is powerful. It is simple because we only have to think about right now. The sound of my fingers typing on the keyboard right now. The smell and heat of the tea that I am drinking. That’s it. When we do that, we automatically alleviate some of our stressors as there is nothing stressful about the smell of the tea in the moment. It’s when we ruminate on the past and allow our anxiety of the future to take over as autopilot of our minds that we are miserable. If we focus on the present, the past and the future are forced to take a backseat.
Try to think of 2 things at once. Could you? We can’t.
Stay in the present. Most of your happiness actually resides there.
The next time you have a conversation with a friend, try to be there in that conversation with every ounce of your being. Waiting before conjuring a response. Contemplating their statements. You will not only have a deeper understanding of your friend, but your friend will genuinely feel heard (and want to talk to you more). We have all missed little nuances in conversations because we weren’t entirely there. We are often thinking of something else while they are talking. (It’s OK. You can admit it. I’ve been guilty of that too.)
If we are mindful with everything that we do, we are forced to slow down. Then we experience the reality of the military saying “slow is smooth, smooth is fast.”
Is it easy to change our habit of multi-tasking and moving quickly overnight? Absolutely not. If only…. Our “habit energy” is incredibly strong. We will fail many times. But that also means that if we are trying, we will have little victories. Those little victories build on themselves and, eventually, become our new habit. Slowly, but surely we build the habit of mindfulness. The path is slow, but places us closer to a higher, more consistent level of mindfulness with each day. The path is the goal.