5 Reasons Narcissists are Attracted to You
So you dated a narcissist and now you are trying to figure out what the hell happened.
It started out so well. He was absolutely amazing. He attended to your every need or wish without you saying a word. You received constant messages filled with sweet words extolling every positive quality that you did not even realize that you had. He interestingly enters your life meeting your friends sooner than you would have allowed normally. It’s funny how the situation “just happened.” But it feels so good, it must be OK. He is Prince Charming come to life. You’ve hit the jackpot. You wish that you had met him years before.
All is amazing ……for anywhere between 3 weeks to 2 months. By month 3, the landscape is ….different.
Seemingly out of nowhere, he says something uncharacteristically harsh or degrading, but follows it with a smile or a backhanded compliment. You seem a little confused, but you brush it off because this is strange, unexpected and just maybe you misheard or misunderstood him. Then something similar happens again, maybe a harsh comment about something that he had previously expressed was something that he loved about you. A positive attribute all of sudden is a character flaw. And he makes that blatantly clear.
In public, he is charismatic and everyone seems to love him. However, he makes cutting remarks to you that only you can hear. You are being degraded & debased in plain sight and no-one is the wiser. If you say something now though, people will question you because he seems so cool, charming and calm. In private, your Prince Charming has become a living nightmare. Perpetual remarks to diminish you. The outfit that he once loved now “makes you look like a slut.” It’s confusing and insidious. Yes, this is really happening to you.
When you mention the private weekend getaway that he insisted on planning, he responds, “I don’t know what you are talking about. Are you crazy? I have too much with work to take a vacation right now. Are you paying for it? Where the hell did you get that idea?” You feel confused. “Didn’t we discuss that a few weeks ago? Did I make this up in my head?” Now you start to walk on eggshells around him, hoping that your next comment will not send him into a rage. You slowly begin to question your own sanity.
As time passes, you do not realize it, but you are being slowly conditioned to question everything you do. You begin asking for permission for every little decision. You desire his acceptance of every action that you consider. The once fiercely independent woman is now a shadow of herself when she is with him. You also notice that you see him only when it serves him, such as he wants a trophy on his arm for an event. You have been psychologically subjugated and it happened so slowly you cannot pinpoint where things went awry. But because it was a slow progression, it’s ominously effective.
By now though, you already have feelings for him and you’ve already told your friends how amazing he is. If you said something contradictory now, you may look like the crazy one because your friends only know of the Prince Charming.
Over time, you realize that you have been dating someone on the narcissistic spectrum. It would take at least a 6 hour discussion to truly explore all of the variations of narcissism that you may experience when dating because they are not all the same. Some are more extreme than others. Some are loud braggarts and others seem more vulnerable on the surface.
But there are characteristics that are common.
Sense of entitlement - “I am entitled to do whatever I want. The rules don’t apply to me.”
Exaggerated self-appraisal - “I’m the best at this. Everyone else is just inferior. Only I can fix everyone else’s mess.”
Standards are unreasonably high & increasing - That extends to people in their lives & the goalpost is ever moving.
Lack of empathy - Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Incredibly fragile ego - Highly sensitive to the most insignificant slights
Relationships are largely superficial and exist to serve their own self-esteem regulation
This last characteristic is where women become engaged. Narcissists believe that they deserve the best. Period. This is not the guy that is nervous to approach you because you may reject him. He is the guy that will approach you because if you do reject him, something is clearly wrong with you and you must be flawed to not desire him. Often, if rejected, this guy will launch into a demeaning rage to put you in your place and nonchalantly move on to the next victim without missing a beat. People are tools, nothing more. People are tools to boost his ego. He is not interested in you, only what you might represent.
Without further adieu, these are the
You are attractive.
Granted, being attractive will bring most of the boys to the yard. However, most of the boys will not approach you. But a narcissist will confidently swoop right in and charm you, expertly. Remember, that narcissistic relationships are largely superficial and exist only to serve as a boost to their ego. Hence when he sees a beautiful woman, he thinks, “if I had her on my arm, that says that I must be amazing to have landed her.” So frankly, any attractive woman will do. He does not see you as any more special than the next attractive woman. The game of pulling her in is appealing and rewarding because you make him look even better. But beware. The beautiful woman that he just absolutely would bend over backward for is now old news and everything about her becomes a hassle. Your usefulness has been depleted and he’s on to the next.
You are successful or are driven to be successful.
Again, the idea is the same. If she is successful, how great does that make me look? This boost to the narcissist’s self-esteem is powerful. He sees you two as a power couple, even if the only successful person in the couple is you. He can’t be bothered with mundane details such as that. He has you. And you make him look good. Unfortunately with narcissists, they have a tendency to eventually resent your success and degrade you with comments revolving around your success. “You think you are better than me? You are pretty stupid to be so educated.” Those comments are very common in this scenario.
You are kind and empathic.
You may imagine a world where you think, of course, everyone respects one another and would not intentionally hurt someone. You see the good in everyone. Well, that mindset is the narcissist’s playground. Narcissists are very socially attuned. They are masters at identifying the positive attributes of others simply by studying them. Everything that you express to a narcissist is like recon ammunition. You mentioned that you need to help a friend move over the weekend or take your grandmother to the grocery store. All the narcissist heard was “I can use you and you are so sweet that you will see it as helping me. Jackpot.” It sounds nefarious because it is. But who wouldn’t be attracted to someone that is nice and genuinely likes to help others. Unfortunately, the narcissist is opportunistic in that respect.
You have a narcissistic parent.
If one of your parents is narcissistic, you may unconsciously find yourself attracted to someone possessing similar characteristics. As human beings, we seek familiarity. We cannot help it. It is engrained in us. This seeking familiarity is especially exhibited in the friends and mates that we choose. Even if we consciously do not like certain characteristics that our parents possess, we will unconsciously be attracted to them. Although the relationship with our parents is not romantic, our parents become the guide for what a romantic partner and relationship is supposed to look like.
Keep faith though. Your past does not have to define your future. This cycle can be broken and it is my privilege to work with clients to gradually identify what we are attracted to and shift that perspective. Just because your parent was a narcissist does not mean that you are destined to only be with narcissists.
Of course, breaking a cycle is easier said than done, but it is absolutely possible. More on that later…..
5. You silence your own needs
Are you often the one “giving” in your relationships? Do you find the concept of self-care as a distant idea that is not relevant to you on a regular basis? Narcissists prioritize themselves above all else. Naturally, a person who facilitates that exaltation of the narcissist is perfect for them. If you are someone that views focusing on yourself as “selfish,” then you have the capacity to exclusively focus that attention on someone else (the narcissist). This dynamic is even more pronounced when there is a history of trauma. This is further amplified if the emotional or sexual trauma occurred in childhood. The adult manifestations of childhood sexual trauma are devastating & often reverberate into adulthood.
What could be better? Someone that is attractive, kind, driven and will focus attention on the narcissist. And if they have a narcissistic parent or a childhood history of trauma, they have been conditioned since birth to acquiesce to the needs of someone else without question. The narcissist’s job has become easier and ultimately rewarding.
Believe it or not, recovery from narcissistic abuse is absolutely possible. You can recover your authentic self and break the cycle, even if it started in your childhood via a parent. Therapy & empowerment coaching focused on the effects of antagonistic relational stress or narcissistic abuse are powerful, life-changing tools to empower you to accomplish this goal. Some may try sex therapy that focuses on empowerment and healing from prior traumas.
You can be the woman that you used to be or desire to be. She already exists within you. She is well within your grasp.
In Houston, Texas, I have been privileged enough to work with clients that are struggling with narcissistic abuse from a parent or a loved one. I have also worked with clients healing from sexual trauma. The work of breaking through narcissistic abuse or sexual trauma is not easy, but it can be life-changing. The changes may be incremental, but over time they are monumental.
You can become your own liaison of empowerment.
www.genevievemarcel.com
Adult manifestations of childhood sexual abuse
Have you ever had a friend that made the absolute worst decisions when it came to a mate or partner? On top of that, she seems to date similar versions of a bad guy over and over? She continually dates people that use her, abuse her, disregard her and she seems to go back for more? Maybe you even thought of her as a slut?
What if she behaves this way for reasons that she does not even understand herself? Is she stupid? No.
The key to understanding may be more complex.
She may very well have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). She is likely not actually choosing those men. They are likely choosing her and she acquiesces because they showed interest and were “assertive, but nice”…like the perpetrator from childhood.
To provide a little perspective, the following are a few common characteristics of adults that have experienced childhood sexual abuse:
1) decreased ability to gauge the threatening or harmful nature of individuals
2) diminished ability to set boundaries
3) heightened need for love and acceptance
4) tendency to acquiesce to the desires of others
5) tendency to silence their own thoughts and needs
6) earlier age of first voluntary sexual experience
7) sex may be used transactionally in the hope of love & affection
8) unaware that they have the right to decline unwanted sex
9) excessive need to please others
10) sexual compulsivity to unconsciously relive the trauma or seek acceptance
With these characteristics in mind, the resulting trauma behaviors start to become understandable.
Most people seek sex therapy due to some form of sexual dysfunction. Maybe they have a lack of sexual desire with their spouse. Maybe they experience erectile dysfunction and there is no medical reason. Maybe they have an abhorrence of being touched, even by their spouse. Maybe they have flashbacks during intercourse.
Of the individuals that seek sex therapy, 56% of women and 34% of men have a history of CSA. That is a lot of people suffering in silence.
As a child, everyone that you trust is close to you (mom, dad, siblings, cousins). But because life is busy for many individuals in the house, the child may not receive the attention that they may need or desire. However, someone begins to show said child attention and even something that seems akin to love, albeit inappropriate. In the situation of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), oftentimes someone that you trust and love is eroding your boundaries. While they are hurting you, they are expressing what the child learns is a version of “love and attention.”
Fast-forward to adulthood. Being with someone that erodes your boundaries & disrespects you all while expressing their love is ….normal. As odd as it may seem, this is the norm that has been set since childhood. Therefore, it does not seem strange, but familiar. We gravitate towards what is familiar.
The odds are high that that girl that was called a slut in high school may very well have been sexually abused as a young child. She is likely not a slut, but seeking love from those that she was unable to identify as threats or people with no regard for her. And why not, this precedent was set for her while she was at the age of still learning how to behave with loved ones and learning how to attain love.
It does not have to be that way forever. That same girl, now a woman, can learn to understand why she chooses the men that she does and begin to choose differently. That woman can learn to view herself as someone to be genuinely loved. That woman can learn to quickly dismiss those that do not have her best interests at heart. That woman can elevate her self-worth and love for herself.
Mindfulness is….
Over the years, I have heard many complicated definitions that conjure visions of mystical beings floating on clouds that make us mere mortals leave with that puzzled look of I heard the words that were spoken however I still only have a vague idea of what the meaning truly is. It wasn’t until I read The Art of Mindfulness by Thích Nhat Hahn that I read a definition that even a child could understand. “It is the capacity in each of us to be present one hundred percent to what is happening within and around us”.
Revel in that for a bit.
To be present in the moment of what is happening within and around you.
How many times have we stood in a line and felt the compulsion to pull out our phones because focusing on what was happening around us was just not quite fulfilling enough? How many conversations have we had with friends where we heard what they said, but in reality we were waiting for a semblance of a pause to interject with the point that we actually formulated while they were still talking? How many times have we read the news on our phones while eating a meal? And responding to a text during a phone conversation or, better yet, while standing directly in front of someone….oh yes. Guilty as charged. These would all be examples of us (me) not being present with 100% of our being.
Why does it even matter? Multi-tasking is commonplace
What happens when we are multi-tasking? As effective as we think that we are, if we are honest, we find that we are actually less effective and take longer to accomplish our tasks. Even still, we become anxious and frazzled from juggling so many tasks at one time. Picture it: you look at your watch and realize that you only have 15 minutes to pull your work together before we need to present it What do we do? We try to compensate by doing everything faster and trying to accomplish multiple things at the same time (because that always works out). But what really happens? We drop papers on the floor, trip over ourselves, accidentally create the same typo 3 times in a row only to need to correct it 3 times. Now we have to go back and redo these actions and frankly spend more time than if we had taken our time. We made it on time (barely), but now our nerves are fried and anxiety reigns supreme. What if we had taken our time? The moments when you force yourself to take your time and do it right the first time, something miraculous happens. Not only did you execute your task beautifully, but you are calm and ready for nearly anything in a peaceful mindset with less stress….AND you accomplished it in about the same amount of time.
Another example is how quickly we respond to requests or stimulus. Imagine you are working on a report with a deadline and someone enters your office with a “quick question”. “Can you do me a favor and pick up X?” Because you are laser focused on your report, you quickly say yes…forgetting that you actually have other things to do. So now you are committed to doing something that you don’t have time for because you weren’t mindful in your response. Had you paused before responding and focused on the request along with its implication, you would have responded differently.
How does one focus on one thing with 100% of your being?
It is the most simple yet also the most challenging thing to do. We take the second or two to slow down and focus our attention on what is happening in the present. We invest ourselves entirely into what is happening right now. Not thinking about what happened yesterday (the past) or what might happen tomorrow (the future). We keep our thoughts and actions in the present moment. Taking a second to pause is powerful. It is simple because we only have to think about right now. The sound of my fingers typing on the keyboard right now. The smell and heat of the tea that I am drinking. That’s it. When we do that, we automatically alleviate some of our stressors as there is nothing stressful about the smell of the tea in the moment. It’s when we ruminate on the past and allow our anxiety of the future to take over as autopilot of our minds that we are miserable. If we focus on the present, the past and the future are forced to take a backseat.
Try to think of 2 things at once. Could you? We can’t.
Stay in the present. Most of your happiness actually resides there.
The next time you have a conversation with a friend, try to be there in that conversation with every ounce of your being. Waiting before conjuring a response. Contemplating their statements. You will not only have a deeper understanding of your friend, but your friend will genuinely feel heard (and want to talk to you more). We have all missed little nuances in conversations because we weren’t entirely there. We are often thinking of something else while they are talking. (It’s OK. You can admit it. I’ve been guilty of that too.)
If we are mindful with everything that we do, we are forced to slow down. Then we experience the reality of the military saying “slow is smooth, smooth is fast.”
Is it easy to change our habit of multi-tasking and moving quickly overnight? Absolutely not. If only…. Our “habit energy” is incredibly strong. We will fail many times. But that also means that if we are trying, we will have little victories. Those little victories build on themselves and, eventually, become our new habit. Slowly, but surely we build the habit of mindfulness. The path is slow, but places us closer to a higher, more consistent level of mindfulness with each day. The path is the goal.
Houston based firm utilizing mindfulness with survivors of sexual trauma, PTSD and narcissistic relationships.