Genevieve Marcel 3/27/25 Genevieve Marcel 3/27/25

Sex & Your Mindset

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“When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears.”

— Dr. Ruth Westheimer

Dr. Ruth was ahead of her time when she made this statement.

Clients are always surprised when I begin the discussion of mindfulness in a sex therapy session. Many clients expect that sessions are inundated with “tips and tricks”. Don’t misunderstand…that is a topic of discussion at times. However, the key to embracing sexual pleasure almost always involves mindfulness. Why is that?

According to Gurney (2020), the conditions for good sex involve 3 things:

Psychological Arousal

Physical Touch

Being in the Moment

It is pretty easy to recognize that 2 of the conditions for good sex involve your mind. In this article, we will discuss those two conditions for good sex as we would discuss them in sex therapy.

Psychological arousal pretty much refers to how you are able to take in what is happening around you and view it as erotically stimulating. This involves everything from the environment, how safe & comfortable you feel, the excitement you experience in someone’s presence, visual stimuli, eye contact, sexuality and the connection between you the your partner. Another way to consider this is how you relate to your environment from an erotic or sensual perspective. Ask yourself questions like: Does seeing her in that red dress arouse your senses? Does the timbre of his voice signal attraction for you? If these elements are piqued, arousal is afoot.

How can you maximize this, you ask? You guessed it. Mindfulness. With mindfulness, you focus every part of your being on the aspect of interest. If it is her dress, you begin to become focused on various aspects of the dress that may be easily overlooked if your focus is fragmented. You notice the seam of the dress of the side, the way the fabric moves. How it clings to her body. In a sense, you become seduced by the dress or whatever aspect on which you are focused. We naturally do this when we are introduced to something new or intriguing. We pay much more attention to the details of something new than something that we see everyday. We become mindful of every aspect and, in turn, become seduced by it. This seduction that we commit on ourselves translates to a psychological arousal. We can do the same thing with aspects of our mate. We may focus on the curvature of one’s body, the tone of voice and how it fluctuates etc. This is a psychological arousal.

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The best way to create psychological arousal is by being in the moment. Genuine presence is essentially the very definition of mindfulness. In sex therapy, we focus profoundly on keeping our thoughts in the present moment. If your focus is turned only to what is happening at the time and you allow yourself to become immersed in the moment, you allow yourself to be seduced by the little details that are easily missed when our thoughts are in the past or the future. Your focus is on being present with 100% of your being with your partner. If your thoughts are turned to the report that you need to complete while your mate is holding your hand, you are missing the connection that is literally right in front of you. Years of missing that connection gradually slides into ambivalence in the relationship.

Granted, it is completely natural to be distracted by a mental thought from the day or what is needed for tomorrow. However, the more comfortable you become with redirecting your attention to the present moment, the less pull the distractions will have. The reality is that we might exist somewhere between distraction & presence, but the closer we are to being present, the better the connection with our mate.

In sex therapy, we talk quite a bit about mindset. Our mindset is the most valuable key to sexual pleasure that we have. And it really is true that the most important sex organ is between your ears.

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Reference

Gurney, K. (2020). Mind the gap: The truth about desire, and how to futureproof your sex life. Headline Home.

Genevieve Marcel 3/19/25 Genevieve Marcel 3/19/25

5 Signs It’s Time to See a Sex Therapist

Are you wondering exactly what a sex therapist does? First things first. No, they do not have sex with their clients.

Now that we got that out of the way….

Sex therapy is psychotherapy or talk therapy to treat individuals and couples with issues related to sex & relationships. Sex therapists are fully licensed mental health professionals who are educated & trained to administer psychotherapy to clients experiencing sexual issues and concerns.

Sex therapists have extensive knowledge of human sexuality — exceedingly more than the 2 hours that we were pulled out of class for in the 5th grade. Sex therapists use this knowledge of sexuality & clinical psychology to help clients attain their personal relationship goals. The focus is on sexuality & relationships and how those aspects impact an individual or a couple’s functioning.

People are often uncertain of when to see a sex therapist vs. a general mental health therapist. The reality is that if you have a sex-related concern that needs to be addressed, a sex therapist may provide insight. A general therapist may be able to assist you as well. However, sex therapists have embarked upon specialized training and are very knowledgeable of topics that are sex related.

But when should you seek sex therapy?

Desire/Arousal

The most common reason people consider sex therapy is for a change in sexual desire or if one experiences “mismatched desire” in relation to their partner. In couple’s sex therapy, this concern is quite common & creates quite the challenge when there is a desire discrepancy in the couple. Without properly addressing this discrepancy, the effect on the relationship can be considerable.

The second most common reason people consider sex therapy is for changes or difficulty with sexual arousal. Without sexual arousal, a satisfying sexual experience may prove elusive. Both arousal and desire issues are often related, incredibly common, but also very achievable in sex therapy.
Sexual Confidence

Many people struggle with sexual confidence. Everything related to sex places one in the most vulnerable position possible. Concerns with sexual confidence can make it difficult to stay mentally present during sex. If we have anxiety about our bodies or what the other may be thinking, then we are not in the right mindset to embrace all that our partner can emotionally offer. Sexual confidence concerns can present as body image issues, obsessing over genital size or appearance, thinking about pleasing or disappointing a partner, having the agency to communicate what you want, or even having the ability to talk about sex. A sex therapist can assist you with identifying the issue & treating it, as well as empowering clients in their sexuality.
Sexual Dysfunctions

When many people think of sex therapy, sexual dysfunction is what comes to mind. Approximately 43% of women and 31% of men experience some form of sexual dysfunction. When people think of sexual dysfunction the following issues spring to mind: erectile dysfunction, female pain disorders, orgasm difficulty and delayed/premature ejaculation.

These concerns are often treated via talk therapy accompanied by psychological interventions. These treatment options can increase insight and understanding of the issue. Some psychological interventions assist in examining the role of shame, guilt, anxiety, relational challenges or cemented beliefs that can exacerbate the sexual dysfunction.

Often, “homework assignments” executed at home help with improving the issue. Homework may include mindfulness exercises to use before, during or after sexual experiences to improve sexual satisfaction & performance.
Before starting sex therapy work, medical evaluations with an OB/GYN or urologist are often recommended to rule out medical causes of sexual dysfunction. In the event that a medical cause is identified, sex therapy can often be beneficial to learn to cope with an issue that is chronic in nature.
Compulsive Sexual Behaviors

Even amongst sex therapists, the matter of compulsive sexual behaviors is controversial. It is so controversial that even the name of the concern is fiercely debated. It has been called out of control sexual behavior, sex addiction, sexual compulsivity, hypersexuality and, of course, compulsive sexual behavior. The reason that it is hotly contested is that it is debatable as to if it can be properly categorized as an addiction. Many sex therapists question if it truly fits the diagnostic criteria for an addiction as addiction is currently defined. Not everyone agrees that it is in fact an addiction. Some experts believe it to be more of a sexual health problem within a larger consideration of human behavior, not a psychiatric or addictive disorder. Either way, these behaviors cause distress and impact overall functioning.

Sexual behaviors that feel compulsive are a valid reason to see a sex therapist. Sex therapists have engaged in training specifically to treat the compulsive sexual behavior without fanning the flames of shame or guilt. Sex therapists have been trained to skillfully address these concerns in a compassionate & nonjudgmental manner.
Sexual Trauma Recovery

Anyone that is treating clients for sex therapy exclusively is also well-versed in various forms of trauma, including sexual trauma. Experienced sexual trauma therapists assist sexual trauma survivors in working through a traumatic experience at the pace that is best for the client. Since a sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional, trauma work is often second nature. The advantage that a sex therapist has lies in the knowledge and experience of assisting clients through the trauma, but also embracing their sexuality in an empowering way after the trauma of assault. Reclaiming pleasure & sexuality is incredibly empowering especially after sexual trauma. Sex therapists are adept in this area.

Insecurities, fear of vulnerability, fear of rejection or abandonment are the often culpable in sexual dysfunction. A sex therapist can assist with navigating these concerns.

Believe it or not, sex therapy looks just like traditional talk therapy except the topic of conversation sometimes includes sex. Sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who have completed specialized training to better understand human sexuality, sexual functioning and how that affects us psychologically.

Both couples & individuals can receive insight & experience positive relationship changes from working with a sex therapist. If you have experienced any of the five aforementioned concerns, you may be a candidate for sex therapy.

Genevieve Marcel 3/17/25 Genevieve Marcel 3/17/25

Sexual Trauma Therapy: 4 Benefits from A Sexual Trauma Therapist

Sexual assault rates bring to light a troubling situation as data from the CDC indicates that sexual violence affects more than 1 in 4 women and more than 1 in 25 men at some time in their lives. As Sexual Assault Awareness month is in April, Liaison.’s main goal during this month is to provide therapeutic options that may help you return to your life. Sexual trauma therapy options following the occurrence of sexual assault can serve as part of your wellness process.

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What We Mean by Sexual Trauma Therapy?

The types of therapy which can prove beneficial following a sexual assault:

• Psychotherapy (cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, existential psychotherapy)
• Group therapy

• Prescription medications prescribed by a psychiatrist

The different ways that patients experience sexual assault demand a wide selection of treatment options that can be applied together.

1. Moving Past, but through the Sexual Trauma

The experience of sexual assault creates a dynamic that places survivors at risk for developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Approximately 48% of sexual assault survivors develop clinical symptoms of PTSD that include:

Repeated encounters with traumatic memories appear through flashbacks or nightmares

• Avoidance
• Overriding negative thoughts and beliefs
• Startling easily

The therapeutic process of sexual trauma therapy treats PTSD and minimizes its formation.

2. Reclaim Your Sexual Health

Sexual health difficulties may develop following a sexual assault. Liaison. will assist you in creating a separation between the sexual assault and your sexual health through sex therapy.

3. Improve Your Physical Health

The sexual trauma can contribute to the development of physical health problems such as

• Gastrointestinal distress

• Cardiovascular disease

Working with a sexual trauma therapist can help improve long-term physical health outcomes.

4. Take Back Your Power

For many people, the realizations made in sex therapy & sexual trauma therapy often lead to this major advantage. Liaison. assists survivors of sexual assault & sexual trauma to restore their personal power. Sexual trauma therapy can provide ways to regain control of your life.

Houston Sex Therapy | Houston Sexual Trauma Therapy | Houston Relationship Therapy

Genevieve Marcel 2/12/25 Genevieve Marcel 2/12/25

Simone de Beauvoir’s Authentic Love

Houston Sex Therapy | Houston Sexual Trauma & Sexual Assault Therapy | Houston Sex Therapist

Simone de Beauvoir was one of the few women revered for her views on existential philosophy in the 20th century. As I explore connections between existential psychology and sex therapy, her work is naturally an area of consideration.

In her book The Second Sex (1949), Simone de Beauvoir suggests that for a relationship to be healthy, the freedom of the two individuals must be augmented and enhanced rather than diminished. She states that ‘authentic love’ requires respect & reciprocity, not enforced self-sacrifice. She argues that for us to value our own freedom, it logically follows that we must also value the freedom of others. From the viewpoint of a sex therapist, this freedom seems to be a necessity. Being able to express who you are authentically is a key component of exploration in sex therapy.

The idea of love for many people is an ambiguous concept. For many even still, love is practiced through the thin-veil of desire, pain and need. Beauvoir proposed that love’s ambiguity fueled exploitation. In practice, she felt that it was abused to legitimatize forms of hierarchy and power dynamics that were the antithesis of love. She believed that this abuse could lead to two unhealthy forms of love: narcissistic love and devotional love.

Narcissistic Love

With brilliant insight, she envisioned the narcissistic love as ‘loving oneself and loving in the other, the love he has for you.’ She posited that the collapse within narcissistic love is that it disregards the fact that there are two people involved. She expressed that the narcissistic love is deficient in understanding that love must embrace the good of the other, not just the one.

Devotional Love

By contrast, she saw devotional love as a subjugation of the self where the lover’s own consciousness is disregarded for the consideration of the other. The devoted lover wants nothing except the other person. The devoted lover provides and lives only for the other. In omitting oneself, his love fails to accommodate the two individuals as the love is unidirectional. Simone de Beauvoir believed that a love of absolute devotion is a subtle form of self-imposed slavery, for it is often presented as ‘selflessness’ or ‘duty’.

By deferring absolutely everything to the other, the devoted person relinquishes control over their own freedom.

From the societal standpoint

Outside of love, she believed that we limit our freedom, consciously or subconsciously, by living according to the opinions of others. She reminds us that we can authentically create (or recreate) ourselves through free choice as opposed to outsourcing our decision-making autonomy to convention & society. In viewing this through the existentialist lens, this is incredibly common and creates a thinly veiled resentment within the self.

Simone de Beauvoir - Existential Philosopher

Authentic Love

Simone de Beauvoir was a proponent of authentic love. By practicing authentic love, we become capable of forming relationships that promote individual freedom and growth as opposed to constraint. Authentic love consists of reciprocity. When there is equilibrium, there is a giving of the self without a loss of self. Simone de Beauvoir stated that authentic love was ‘not a subordination’ of one vs the other. On the contrary, it is a relationship where one embraces and uplifts the other while fostering independence.

Reference

de Beauvoir, S. (1972 [1949]). The second sex. Harmondsworth: Penguin.

Genevieve Marcel 2/10/25 Genevieve Marcel 2/10/25

Saying No can Change your Life

Have you ever asked a 4 year old to do something or asked if they wanted to do something? If you have, you have undoubtedly been met with the swift and decisive “NO”. After they said no, they continued on with their activities as if nothing happened. No overthinking what they should have said or how it would be interpreted. Just no…and carry on. They easily and comfortably express that “no” is a complete sentence.

There is liberation in saying no.

Fast forward to adulthood when we have been societally trained to be incessantly agreeable or people pleasers. People become adults that are unable to say no and live in a state of overextension and resentment.

In Real Life……

When you have kids, you meet a number of parents that are as congenial as they can muster to continue in the external facade of life. I came to know one mother that was outwardly nice and congenial. She was constantly being approached to volunteer for this and that activity at the school. One day, she expressed to me that she desperately wanted to decline these requests, but was unable to say no when approached. This created resentment and chaos in her life as she had to juggle her normal activities plus this new request that she neither wanted to do nor had time for. She noted that I never seemed pressured to acquiesce to these requests and that I seemed so calm as I declined. She asked me how I was able to decline such requests without being rude or feeling bad about saying no.

Now, I am not a proponent of saying no to everything or saying no in a rude manner (I’m looking at you, 4 year old). But I do believe that we can take a cue from the 4 year old, albeit a more graceful one.

Little kids are born with the beautiful talent of considering if your request suits their needs or desires. In that moment, if they decide that it does not, they say no and move on without guilt. As an adult, the same process can happen. However, more often than not, adults feel an inner compulsion to respond quickly. Layer the need to respond quickly with a desire to be liked or at least agreeable, and you have the ingredients of a fast yes. The problem with the fast yes is that it does not allow for the time to consider if this request actually works for you. The thought process of “am I even available that day, what else do I have going on that needs my attention, would this activity benefit me or delay my attention to my priorities, is this request in line with my personal values or philosophy of life?” In existential psychology, that last one is most important, but we can revisit that another time. When we skip that thought process, we set ourselves up for a fast yes. Unfortunately, that fast yes just derailed our plans and piled more work onto our schedules without considering our other obligations. How can we avoid this?

I recommended to the mother that she create a Concern Budget. The Concern Budget consists of what demands & deserves your attention & concern at this time in your life. It is a short list that takes into account your goals and interests for this era in life. This budget narrows your focus. For her, it was her kids’ activities & well-being, her household and helping her husband start another business. She also had to consider her values. One value that she held dear was caring for her aging parents. Those goals & values were her priorities. So we decided that if any request came to her that did not align with those goals or values, the answer was no. Period. She really appreciated this simplification of her decisions. Now the difficult part was implementing this in real life situations.

Once you have the Concern Budget developed, then it is time to practice the PAUSE.

“Real freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause, choose.”

— Rollo May

When someone speaks to us or asks a question, there is the compulsion to respond immediately. This is almost always a mistake. If you respond immediately, you have skipped the consideration of the Concern Budget. Most decisions in life, yes even the little ones, deserve a pause for consideration. We need that time to consider if this request works for us. We simply can not make that decision without that pause in time for consideration. Psychologically speaking, the time between question and response always seems longer for the recipient of the question than the person asking the question. So, if you are being asked, it feels like it takes longer to respond than it does to the person that asked the question. With that in mind, take a few moments to really consider what is being asked of you. And remember that you are actually in the position of power since they are making a request of you, not the other way around. Take the time as it is yours to take.

Speaking of power dynamics, the person asking you will unconsciously see you as more powerful, if you will, when you take that time. Consider when you watch movies where the insecure person is shown. They move faster, fidget, speak & respond faster and are typically very reactionary to the environment. Whereas, the powerful person usually moves and speaks slower. When they are asked for something, they feel no pressure to answer quickly. Even better, the response is often something along the lines of “let me get back to you.” They feel entitled to take the time needed to really consider your request. Sometimes, this is used as a delay tactic with the assumption that if they delay long enough, the situation may work itself out. Sometimes, this works, but that is a blog post for another day.

This mom and I talked about what this “saying no” looked like in real life and role-played various responses with which she could feel comfortable. She settled on, “I really wish that I could help with this, but I have so much happening right now. I can’t devote the time that this deserves.” This felt good to her as it conveyed how she really felt and did not feel “mean.” Then she asked, but what if they push further. Usually, most people that are organizing activities will push. It’s why they are the leader. They are good at engaging people and getting their way. I suggested restating the same sentiment, but altering it slightly. She settled on, “ I hear you, but unfortunately, I just have too many obligations right now.” We made it a point to not end with “I’m sorry.” We did this simply because there is nothing for which she should be sorry. At that point, if they push even further, you are warranted in providing a polite disregard to further requests. The reason that I say that is you have now informed them twice of your decision to disengage. When people disregard your clearly expressed needs twice, that is an indication of someone that has at least a slight disregard of boundaries and they require a firmer message. However, this message can be conveyed with silence, a smile and a turn of conversation. It isn’t mean, but it is clear and commands a level of respect without you saying a word.

This mom told me that she felt guilty in the past for saying no. She felt that people would not like her if she said no. Well, my response to that is that the only reason that they are upset is because they did not get their way at your expense. Of course, they are not delighted. At the same time, we are not entitled to get our way all of the time. That is a fact of life. When you look at it that way, it’s a little easier to let go of that concern or guilt. I asked for whom was she holding this guilt? How is it serving her? Of course, we are allowed to hold on to the guilt and most of us do. But if you have decided that the request did not align with your priorities or values, why should you feel guilt?

Let’s revel in that for a bit…..

Of course, a test of her new found skills was right around the corner. She was approached with ,“Can you help us decorate for the book fair at school?” She later said that she declined and in that moment it felt liberating. She said that it was liberating saying no because in that moment she felt empowered to do what worked for her and not someone else. That is worth everything, isn’t it?

You guessed it: prior emotional neglect, trauma and/or sexual trauma.

If you grew up in a situation or were frequently placed in a situation where you were expected to simply oblige every request and your wants and needs were routinely disregarded, then you may become an adult that may feel that you lack the agency to say no. Saying no is like a muscle, if you will, that has rarely been exercised. Of course, it is hard to say no if you were rarely allowed to say no or even asked your opinion.

Believe it or not, oftentimes sex therapy entails developing skills to communicate more effectively and authentically. Saying no or expressing what you like or what you need is a muscle that can be developed in sex therapy. In a broader sense outside of sex therapy, having the ability to say no can create peace and calm in your everyday life. Since you are not dealing with commitments that are not really yours, you now have the time and space to focus on what matters to you. Embrace a graceful version of your inner 4 year old and say no to what is not in your Concern Budget.

That is liberation.