Sex & Your Mindset
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“When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears.”
Dr. Ruth was ahead of her time when she made this statement.
Clients are always surprised when I begin the discussion of mindfulness in a sex therapy session. Many clients expect that sessions are inundated with “tips and tricks”. Don’t misunderstand…that is a topic of discussion at times. However, the key to embracing sexual pleasure almost always involves mindfulness. Why is that?
According to Gurney (2020), the conditions for good sex involve 3 things:
Psychological Arousal
Physical Touch
Being in the Moment
It is pretty easy to recognize that 2 of the conditions for good sex involve your mind. In this article, we will discuss those two conditions for good sex as we would discuss them in sex therapy.
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Psychological arousal pretty much refers to how you are able to take in what is happening around you and view it as erotically stimulating. This involves everything from the environment, how safe & comfortable you feel, the excitement you experience in someone’s presence, visual stimuli, eye contact, sexuality and the connection between you the your partner. Another way to consider this is how you relate to your environment from an erotic or sensual perspective. Ask yourself questions like: Does seeing her in that red dress arouse your senses? Does the timbre of his voice signal attraction for you? If these elements are piqued, arousal is afoot.
How can you maximize this, you ask? You guessed it. Mindfulness. With mindfulness, you focus every part of your being on the aspect of interest. If it is her dress, you begin to become focused on various aspects of the dress that may be easily overlooked if your focus is fragmented. You notice the seam of the dress of the side, the way the fabric moves. How it clings to her body. In a sense, you become seduced by the dress or whatever aspect on which you are focused. We naturally do this when we are introduced to something new or intriguing. We pay much more attention to the details of something new than something that we see everyday. We become mindful of every aspect and, in turn, become seduced by it. This seduction that we commit on ourselves translates to a psychological arousal. We can do the same thing with aspects of our mate. We may focus on the curvature of one’s body, the tone of voice and how it fluctuates etc. This is a psychological arousal.
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The best way to create psychological arousal is by being in the moment. Genuine presence is essentially the very definition of mindfulness. In sex therapy, we focus profoundly on keeping our thoughts in the present moment. If your focus is turned only to what is happening at the time and you allow yourself to become immersed in the moment, you allow yourself to be seduced by the little details that are easily missed when our thoughts are in the past or the future. Your focus is on being present with 100% of your being with your partner. If your thoughts are turned to the report that you need to complete while your mate is holding your hand, you are missing the connection that is literally right in front of you. Years of missing that connection gradually slides into ambivalence in the relationship.
Granted, it is completely natural to be distracted by a mental thought from the day or what is needed for tomorrow. However, the more comfortable you become with redirecting your attention to the present moment, the less pull the distractions will have. The reality is that we might exist somewhere between distraction & presence, but the closer we are to being present, the better the connection with our mate.
In sex therapy, we talk quite a bit about mindset. Our mindset is the most valuable key to sexual pleasure that we have. And it really is true that the most important sex organ is between your ears.
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Reference
Gurney, K. (2020). Mind the gap: The truth about desire, and how to futureproof your sex life. Headline Home.