Saying No can Change your Life
Have you ever asked a 4 year old to do something or asked if they wanted to do something? If you have, you have undoubtedly been met with the swift and decisive “NO”. After they said no, they continued on with their activities as if nothing happened. No overthinking what they should have said or how it would be interpreted. Just no…and carry on. They easily and comfortably express that “no” is a complete sentence.
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There is liberation in saying no.
Fast forward to adulthood when we have been societally trained to be incessantly agreeable or people pleasers. People become adults that are unable to say no and live in a state of overextension and resentment.
In Real Life……
When you have kids, you meet a number of parents that are as congenial as they can muster to continue in the external facade of life. I came to know one mother that was outwardly nice and congenial. She was constantly being approached to volunteer for this and that activity at the school. One day, she expressed to me that she desperately wanted to decline these requests, but was unable to say no when approached. This created resentment and chaos in her life as she had to juggle her normal activities plus this new request that she neither wanted to do nor had time for. She noted that I never seemed pressured to acquiesce to these requests and that I seemed so calm as I declined. She asked me how I was able to decline such requests without being rude or feeling bad about saying no.
Now, I am not a proponent of saying no to everything or saying no in a rude manner (I’m looking at you, 4 year old). But I do believe that we can take a cue from the 4 year old, albeit a more graceful one.
Little kids are born with the beautiful talent of considering if your request suits their needs or desires. In that moment, if they decide that it does not, they say no and move on without guilt. As an adult, the same process can happen. However, more often than not, adults feel an inner compulsion to respond quickly. Layer the need to respond quickly with a desire to be liked or at least agreeable, and you have the ingredients of a fast yes. The problem with the fast yes is that it does not allow for the time to consider if this request actually works for you. The thought process of “am I even available that day, what else do I have going on that needs my attention, would this activity benefit me or delay my attention to my priorities, is this request in line with my personal values or philosophy of life?” In existential psychology, that last one is most important, but we can revisit that another time. When we skip that thought process, we set ourselves up for a fast yes. Unfortunately, that fast yes just derailed our plans and piled more work onto our schedules without considering our other obligations. How can we avoid this?
I recommended to the mother that she create a Concern Budget. The Concern Budget consists of what demands & deserves your attention & concern at this time in your life. It is a short list that takes into account your goals and interests for this era in life. This budget narrows your focus. For her, it was her kids’ activities & well-being, her household and helping her husband start another business. She also had to consider her values. One value that she held dear was caring for her aging parents. Those goals & values were her priorities. So we decided that if any request came to her that did not align with those goals or values, the answer was no. Period. She really appreciated this simplification of her decisions. Now the difficult part was implementing this in real life situations.
Once you have the Concern Budget developed, then it is time to practice the PAUSE.
“Real freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause, choose.”
When someone speaks to us or asks a question, there is the compulsion to respond immediately. This is almost always a mistake. If you respond immediately, you have skipped the consideration of the Concern Budget. Most decisions in life, yes even the little ones, deserve a pause for consideration. We need that time to consider if this request works for us. We simply can not make that decision without that pause in time for consideration. Psychologically speaking, the time between question and response always seems longer for the recipient of the question than the person asking the question. So, if you are being asked, it feels like it takes longer to respond than it does to the person that asked the question. With that in mind, take a few moments to really consider what is being asked of you. And remember that you are actually in the position of power since they are making a request of you, not the other way around. Take the time as it is yours to take.
Speaking of power dynamics, the person asking you will unconsciously see you as more powerful, if you will, when you take that time. Consider when you watch movies where the insecure person is shown. They move faster, fidget, speak & respond faster and are typically very reactionary to the environment. Whereas, the powerful person usually moves and speaks slower. When they are asked for something, they feel no pressure to answer quickly. Even better, the response is often something along the lines of “let me get back to you.” They feel entitled to take the time needed to really consider your request. Sometimes, this is used as a delay tactic with the assumption that if they delay long enough, the situation may work itself out. Sometimes, this works, but that is a blog post for another day.
This mom and I talked about what this “saying no” looked like in real life and role-played various responses with which she could feel comfortable. She settled on, “I really wish that I could help with this, but I have so much happening right now. I can’t devote the time that this deserves.” This felt good to her as it conveyed how she really felt and did not feel “mean.” Then she asked, but what if they push further. Usually, most people that are organizing activities will push. It’s why they are the leader. They are good at engaging people and getting their way. I suggested restating the same sentiment, but altering it slightly. She settled on, “ I hear you, but unfortunately, I just have too many obligations right now.” We made it a point to not end with “I’m sorry.” We did this simply because there is nothing for which she should be sorry. At that point, if they push even further, you are warranted in providing a polite disregard to further requests. The reason that I say that is you have now informed them twice of your decision to disengage. When people disregard your clearly expressed needs twice, that is an indication of someone that has at least a slight disregard of boundaries and they require a firmer message. However, this message can be conveyed with silence, a smile and a turn of conversation. It isn’t mean, but it is clear and commands a level of respect without you saying a word.
This mom told me that she felt guilty in the past for saying no. She felt that people would not like her if she said no. Well, my response to that is that the only reason that they are upset is because they did not get their way at your expense. Of course, they are not delighted. At the same time, we are not entitled to get our way all of the time. That is a fact of life. When you look at it that way, it’s a little easier to let go of that concern or guilt. I asked for whom was she holding this guilt? How is it serving her? Of course, we are allowed to hold on to the guilt and most of us do. But if you have decided that the request did not align with your priorities or values, why should you feel guilt?
Let’s revel in that for a bit…..
Of course, a test of her new found skills was right around the corner. She was approached with ,“Can you help us decorate for the book fair at school?” She later said that she declined and in that moment it felt liberating. She said that it was liberating saying no because in that moment she felt empowered to do what worked for her and not someone else. That is worth everything, isn’t it?
You guessed it: prior emotional neglect, trauma and/or sexual trauma.
If you grew up in a situation or were frequently placed in a situation where you were expected to simply oblige every request and your wants and needs were routinely disregarded, then you may become an adult that may feel that you lack the agency to say no. Saying no is like a muscle, if you will, that has rarely been exercised. Of course, it is hard to say no if you were rarely allowed to say no or even asked your opinion.
Believe it or not, oftentimes sex therapy entails developing skills to communicate more effectively and authentically. Saying no or expressing what you like or what you need is a muscle that can be developed in sex therapy. In a broader sense outside of sex therapy, having the ability to say no can create peace and calm in your everyday life. Since you are not dealing with commitments that are not really yours, you now have the time and space to focus on what matters to you. Embrace a graceful version of your inner 4 year old and say no to what is not in your Concern Budget.
That is liberation.
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