Mindfulness for Better Sex
Houston Sex Therapy | Houston Sexual Trauma Therapy | Houston Relationship Therapy
Sexuality & human connection are integral aspects of well-being. Sexuality directly & indirectly influences happiness in relationships. In our society, sexuality is demonized as something that is evil or wrong. This belief is ingrained in various societal contexts despite the reality that nearly everyone engages in it and it is the sole method by which we exist.
As a sex therapist, oftentimes the work is around self-acceptance and acceptance of desires that are naturally there. In sex therapy, we face the messages that we have received & internalized about sex and discern how that may have affected the sexual experience.
At other times, the boundary to sexual wellness is distraction.
Have you ever caught yourself thinking of your to-do list during sex? Or better yet, have you found yourself questioning what the other person is thinking about you during sex? These are typically not thoughts that aid in a positive sexual experience. However, it happens…a lot. Our sexual lives become impeded by the other concerns or aspects of life.
Would you believe that mindfulness can be a key to sexual pleasure? I know, I know. Genevieve is talking about mindfulness…..again. Well, it isn’t just me. It is the entire sex therapy community.
Stay with me….
“Mindfulness represents a present, non-judgmental awareness of every moment. Everything is observed meaning that any existing anxiety or insertion of judgment is cast aside for the experience of the now. ”
When our minds are distracted by “I have so much to do today, I’m so tired, when will this finish so that I can do something else, does she/he/they find me attractive, I wonder if she/he/they noticed the scar on my leg,” it is nearly impossible to derive pleasure. We are simply not there in the moment. Our minds are elsewhere and enraptured by our concerns and insecurities (yes, everyone has insecurities…no really, everyone). Mindfulness, however, implores us to refocus our thoughts on what is happening in the moment (the feeling of touch, the sounds, how we experience sensations etc). When our thoughts shift to the experience of what is happening in the present and only that, a sexual awakening is possible.
Mindfulness is an extremely effective intervention as roughy 1/3 of women are on the lower spectrum for sexual desire and interest. Mindfulness has been shown to increase the levels of desire for most women. Interestingly, women (people assigned female at birth) who experience heightened vaginal pain have also benefited, as well as men (people assigned male at birth) who have survived prostate cancer. As the majority of men who undergo prostate cancer treatments experience permanent erectile difficulties, mindfulness can be applied with beneficial results–not from a physical standpoint, but as a way to shift the understanding of sexual satisfaction and to discover new approaches towards a satisfying sex life.
Houston Sex Therapy | Houston Sexual Trauma Therapy | Houston Relationship Therapy
Lori Brotto’s (2018) book Better Sex through Mindfulness is considered to be a seminal (double entendre intended) book on the topic. She provides information regarding scientific findings from her academic research of women’s sexual health and specifically arousal. Arousal is one of the most common complaints from women that present for sex therapy. In her book, she discusses women (people assigned female at birth) that are able to orgasm on their own; however, may experience difficulty with a partner.
In sex therapy, we utilize mindfulness techniques such that intimacy becomes more accessible even if you have not considered yourself to be interested in sex for years. When our minds are not cluttered with thoughts of the mundane, we create space for intimacy and connection.
Reference
Brotto, L. (2018). Better sex through mindfulness: How women can cultivate desire. Greystone Books.