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Psychology provides a clue as to why we engage in relationships that are inconsistent.

Have you ever been in a relationship or “situationship” that is great when you are with the person in the beginning, but maybe nonexistent when you are not in their presence? The other person seems to run hot and cold, then hot and cold again. Have you ever asked yourself, “Why am I still dealing with this person?” Why do we engage with someone that only gives the impression of being in a relationship with you in small doses?

We could debate all of the reasons why the other person behaves this way. The possibilities are endless and multifacted, At the end of the day, the meaning behind their behavior may hold very little meaning for you and may not be worth the trouble to understand. Much of our work in session with relationship issues does not focus heavily on why the other person did one thing or another. We focus on our own self-growth, authenticity and meaning as that is all that we can control. The better question is why we go back for more. Are we gluttons for punishment? Not likely. Let’s see what insight psychology may have.

B. F. Skinner’s Idea of Intermittent Reinforcement

Have you ever played a slot machine at a casino and wondered why you kept pulling for hours with minimal return? Likely the thought of “the next pull will hit the jackpot” crossed your mind. This same psychological concept is built into our smartphones. The dancing dots as someone is typing a text are strictly to create anticipation and unconsciously encourage you to stay engaged. Dating is not that different from this concept. Whether you are scrolling on a social media app or you are incessantly checking your phone for the possibility of a new text from this person, the unconscious thought is similar. “If I keep engaging, the desired result may materialize.”

However, this is most effective when, in the beginning of engagement, there are positive results. By positive results, I mean the person was exciting in some way, engaging, made you feel special…. enter infinite positive feeling HERE. If the positive association with that person is set in the beginning and then reinforced (regular sweet or thoughtful text messages, regular phone calls to say goodnight, invitations to spend time, providing actions or words of acceptance) over the course of weeks, your positive view of them becomes more solidified. If you had a period of drought before meeting this person, the effect is even more powerful. In sex therapy, we learn that if you have slept with this person, the addition of oxytocin coursing through your veins makes you even more apt to bond with this person.

According to behaviorists, you are unconsciously being “conditioned” to expect positive injections of happiness, acceptance and security from this person. So the simplified relationship for you becomes this person equals happiness, acceptance and security. Who wouldn’t want more of that? Ok, so that is the “hot”. Now what happens for you when they run “cold.”

B. F. Skinner noted that if he allowed mice to receive food every time a mouse pressed a lever, all was well. The mice could easily predict when the food was coming because it always arrived when the lever was pressed. The mice made the association between lever = food (similar to person = acceptance & security). However, if the process changed and the mice only received food at random intervals of depressing the lever, the mice became more engaged, but also a little anxious. It becomes a little distressing not knowing when food would be available, especially since beforehand it was always there. Sound familiar?

Think of the slot machine, which by the way is rooted in this same principle of intermittent reinforcement (positivity is reinfornced on a variable schedule). Since you really have no idea which number pull of the lever will provide money, you keep pulling sometimes without thought because maybe “this time it will happen.” You become more engaged and frankly start to pull the lever out of habit. You keep going back for more.

Something similar is happening when you realize that that person doesn’t text or call as much as they used to. We humans become unsettled by the decrease in engagement that was previously consistent if we have prioritized that person in some way. (If that person is not a priority, then the decrease in engagement may feel irrelevant to your life and then who cares.) But just like the mice, anxiety creeps in because now this prioritized figure that has been associated with happiness and security can no longer be relied upon. That can be unsettling. So why do you continue to engage? Because maybe this time it will be like it was in the beginning, like it used to be. And if it is, that will “ease the anxiety.” More often than not though, the complete return to how it was in the beginning does not materialize often because the initial behavior from that person was specifically to influence your engagement, not to know you genuinely.

The person that engages this way is likely not your long-term person.

Behaviorists have the mindset that you change your behavior to decrease engagement and therefore the anxiety will subside from the change in behavior, ie check your phone less, distract yourself with other activities and shift your thoughts. No doubt, this can be effective in the short term, but the cycle is likely to repeat itself with the next person without deeper insight.

Existential psychotherapists are aware of the behaviorist view and may even utilize some of those techniques in a state of crisis. However, existential psychology begs us to delve deeper into understanding if the behavior of engagement is congruent with your own personal philosophy. When you come to the conclusion that engaging with this person is incongruent with your own philosophy of an authentic presence in a relationship, then you may become compelled to disengage on your own, no techniques needed. You are also less likely to engage in future activities that are not congruent with what you believe a relationship should be simply because it begins to feel inauthentic.

Here is the secret that no-one tells you: You will not experience anxiety with someone that desires to engage with you in a profound manner. Quite the opposite. The thought of them will seem to put you at ease even when they are not around.

Even though Skinner’s behavioral insights are applicable to sex therapists, existential reflection and creating space for a pause can be even more insightful to your inner being. In existential psychology, we know that one can create the space to choose if engaging with this person is in line with our individual philosophy for life or relationships. In that space, we slow down and question what is happening from the perspective of “how is this of service to me, how does this relate to my pleasure, purpose or peace.” Based on our answers to those questions, we can decide how long to engage with incongruent behavior from others.

“Real freedom is the ability to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause, choose. ”

— Rollo May

We can evaluate if this relationship provides pleasure, peace or purpose for us. In the pause that we create, we can choose if that person’s presence in our lives is congruent with our own philosophy.

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