3 Ways Mindfulness Accidentally Increases Attraction

Are mindfulness and attraction two words you would have never placed in the same sentence? When people hear the word mindfulness, visions of airy-fairy, new-age hippies dancing in a circle come to mind. Well, I won’t say that this is far-fetched. However, the applications for mindfulness are broader than you might think. The applications can range from existential anxiety to seduction & relationships and of course, sex therapy. And before we get too far into this discussion, please note that attractiveness is not necessarily tied to physical beauty or income. Remember that person you dated years ago & you nearly lost your mind over them, but they were not rich, smart, attractive or even right for you in any way? Exactly. Stay with me….

What is Mindfulness?

You may wonder what mindfulness could have to do with sex therapy. In many cases, sexual difficulty can be correlated to a distracted mind. This can be especially the case after sexual trauma.

So what is mindfulness…. With mindfulness, we become focused on what is right in front of us, around us and within us with 100% of our being. Ok, that did sound airy-fairy. Let me try that again…. Mindfulness is having our thoughts focused in the present (not the past or the future). Better? Thanks. So what does this have to do with attraction?

Mindful Attraction

Have you ever met someone & when you talked to them, they made you feel as though you were the only thing in the world that mattered? The feeling of momentary importance they provided probably boosted your ego just a little bit. If you happen to be starved for real human connection due to circumstances (remember the pandemic?), that good feeling just elevated. You also may have felt that you would like to talk to them further or talk again sometime soon. You became attracted to them in some way, romantically or platonically. Either way, attraction on some level was the result. That person unconsciously or consciously tapped into the benefits of mindfulness. The key is that in order for them to provide you with those feelings, they had to have been completely dialed into what you were saying or feeling. This cannot be faked, at least not for long. They provided focused attention. And their interest was focused on you.

Now back to everyday life situations…

Everyone is incredibly focused on the daily grind known as adult life. They can’t talk because they have somewhere to be, something to do with little time in which to do it. When they are talking to you, it’s usually to either validate themselves or acquire something from you. There is absolutely nothing seductive or attractive about that. It may even repulse you. Why? That part of you, of everyone, that craves genuine human connection is left unsatisfied and disconnected. You are placed in a position of incessantly giving yourself to others. Giving by providing said validation to others or taking on commitments and being all things to everyone. But when someone’s interactions with you are centered on you without expectations, that focused attention is attractive simply because we lack it in other spheres of our lives. It feels rare and, hence, valuable. You just became attractive to others with little visible effort simply by providing focused attention and being genuinely interested in them. But how do you do that when you have so much going on or there is so much happening around you?

Enter mindfulness.

Remember mindfulness is essentially keeping your thoughts in the present and focused on what is currently happening. Well, if you are currently speaking with someone and you are being mindful, you are providing focused attention to what they are saying. When you do that, you are also likely providing good eye contact, posturing your body to show interest and listening more than speaking. These 3 attending behaviors are unconsciously interpreted as interest by the other person. Can you think of anyone that likes having someone interested in them? Only everyone in the world. If you can provide relaxed, but focused attention to someone, you become as indispensable as food and drink because they are likely not getting that anywhere else.

SLOWING DOWN

When practicing mindfulness, the first thing that you are forced to do is SLOW DOWN. As your mindfulness practice progresses, you will find that the speed with which your thoughts pinball in your mind slows down. We see this in sex therapy with mindfulness and sensate focus. Once the thoughts (and even spoken words) slow down, you become better equipped to focus on individual thoughts or what is being said. Interestingly, with focused effort, the speed with which you move can slow down as well. As far as rules of seduction are concerned, slower movements are very attractive. The psychology behind that is that those that move slower can because they are in control of themselves, their lives, their schedules. People that rush are usually on someone else’s schedule or must answer to someone else. You will notice the same with people that speak quickly or fidget. Their anxiety makes people around them even more anxious. Attractive actions tend to be slower. Ever watch a seductive anything (burlesque show, the woman in the red dress in The Matrix walking down the street, Jessica Rabbit)? Their movements are always a touch slower than those around them. You will even notice it in movies prior to 1965. Before then, graceful movement was taught and required of actors and dancers. You may notice that their bodily movements were slower than what we notice in movies today, especially if the actor was playing the seducer, someone from high society or the powerful individual. Unless it was a fight scene or something exciting, the movements were often slower or at least more relaxed. It conveys a feeling of control. Being in control is a characteristic of power. Surprise! Power on ANY level unconsciously communicates the quality of being attractive.

UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

The second thing that you will find is that you begin to focus on what is happening in the moment and nothing else. When your thoughts venture to the past or future, you gently refocus back to the present. You refocus back to whomever is speaking. Again, your ability provide positive focused attention is valuable and desired because most people are not receiving it in other areas of life.

NON-JUDGMENT

The third thing that mindfulness implores is non-judgment. By the way, faking this is not really an option. You are after genuine connection. If you are able to listen to someone talk about how they commenced in some egregious or highly embarrassing activity and not convey judgement, then you increase their comfort in expressing vulnerability. You have just provided acceptance of who they are. Every human being needs acceptance on some level. Maybe they receive acceptance from their family or small group of friends or from their church. If they don’t have that, it still needs to come from somewhere. Either way, some level of acceptance is necessary for most of us. As you progress in your mindfulness practice, you will find that you become better at suspending judgment of your thoughts and other people. When people do not feel judged and you are the one not judging them, you just became attractive in some way that they may not be able to pinpoint. But the attraction is there nonetheless.

Now think back to that person that you dated a few years ago that was “OK”, but still had you losing your mind. I wonder if, in the beginning, they did one of these things and created a spark of attraction. Obviously, there are even more aspects of mindfulness that are attractive, but these three are quite powerful.

Houston sex therapy & sexual trauma therapist

I am almost certain that the leaders within the mindfulness movement were not considering attraction. However, I believe that if we are more mindful in our interactions with others, our interactions would become more meaningful. Imagine how much better your conversations would be if the person with whom you were speaking actually listened to you, were not preoccupied with other things and did not judge you. You are actually able to get to know this person authentically because you are present with 100% of your being.

Now that, my friends, leads to a meaningful interaction.