Adult manifestations of childhood sexual abuse
Have you ever had a friend that made the absolute worst decisions when it came to a mate or partner? On top of that, she seems to date similar versions of a bad guy over and over? She continually dates people that use her, abuse her, disregard her and she seems to go back for more? Maybe you even thought of her as a slut?
What if she behaves this way for reasons that she does not even understand herself? Is she stupid? No.
The key to understanding may be more complex.
She may very well have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse (CSA). She is likely not actually choosing those men. They are likely choosing her and she acquiesces because they showed interest and were “assertive, but nice”…like the perpetrator from childhood.
To provide a little perspective, the following are a few common characteristics of adults that have experienced childhood sexual abuse:
1) decreased ability to gauge the threatening or harmful nature of individuals
2) diminished ability to set boundaries
3) heightened need for love and acceptance
4) tendency to acquiesce to the desires of others
5) tendency to silence their own thoughts and needs
6) earlier age of first voluntary sexual experience
7) sex may be used transactionally in the hope of love & affection
8) unaware that they have the right to decline unwanted sex
9) excessive need to please others
10) sexual compulsivity to unconsciously relive the trauma or seek acceptance
With these characteristics in mind, the resulting trauma behaviors start to become understandable.
Most people seek sex therapy due to some form of sexual dysfunction. Maybe they have a lack of sexual desire with their spouse. Maybe they experience erectile dysfunction and there is no medical reason. Maybe they have an abhorrence of being touched, even by their spouse. Maybe they have flashbacks during intercourse.
Of the individuals that seek sex therapy, 56% of women and 34% of men have a history of CSA. That is a lot of people suffering in silence.
As a child, everyone that you trust is close to you (mom, dad, siblings, cousins). But because life is busy for many individuals in the house, the child may not receive the attention that they may need or desire. However, someone begins to show said child attention and even something that seems akin to love, albeit inappropriate. In the situation of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), oftentimes someone that you trust and love is eroding your boundaries. While they are hurting you, they are expressing what the child learns is a version of “love and attention.”
Fast-forward to adulthood. Being with someone that erodes your boundaries & disrespects you all while expressing their love is ….normal. As odd as it may seem, this is the norm that has been set since childhood. Therefore, it does not seem strange, but familiar. We gravitate towards what is familiar.
The odds are high that that girl that was called a slut in high school may very well have been sexually abused as a young child. She is likely not a slut, but seeking love from those that she was unable to identify as threats or people with no regard for her. And why not, this precedent was set for her while she was at the age of still learning how to behave with loved ones and learning how to attain love.
It does not have to be that way forever. That same girl, now a woman, can learn to understand why she chooses the men that she does and begin to choose differently. That woman can learn to view herself as someone to be genuinely loved. That woman can learn to quickly dismiss those that do not have her best interests at heart. That woman can elevate her self-worth and love for herself.