Betrayal Blindness in Relationship & Sex Therapy
Do you know of someone that witnessed blatant proof that their mate was unfaithful, however the reality didn’t seem to register for them? As an outsider, you are puzzled as to how they could visually see this transgression with their own eyes and still excuse it away as if it never happened.
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Believe it or not, this happens and it is psychologically based. In psychology, we like to give a name to everything under the sun except breathing. In this situation, we have Dr. Jennifer Freyd to thank for her coined phrase of ‘Betrayal Blindness’ and many reading this have undoubtedly heard of Betrayal Trauma. Betrayal blindness used to be referred to simply as denial, but it is a little deeper than that. Don’t worry, there is no DSM diagnosis for it….yet. It is more of a phenomenon.
In my experience with helping clients in relationship & sex therapy, this comes up. Not often, but it happens. The first time that I was formally introduced to the concept was during a 44 hour narcissistic abuse therapy training (yes, it was 44 hours of my life that I cannot get back….). Nonetheless, it was incredibly valuable.
Picture this: A woman walks into her husband’s office to surprise him after work hours and she happens to walk in on her husband sharing a passionate kiss with someone that is NOT her. The husband calmly walks over to the wife, walks her out and tells her that was nothing and she didn’t see what she thought she saw. The wife walks out confused, but goes home. The husband comes home later, behaves as if it was a normal day and the wife responds accordingly. Eventually, she forgets all about it and carries on.
Yes, this is a true story.
Picture this one: A woman is taking clothes out of the dryer and finds a used condom mixed in with the clothes. She initially becomes livid and confronts the husband. He makes up a story that a friend told him that masturbating with a condom on was more comfortable and less messy. She accepts the answer and never brings it up again, In fact, over time she forgets all about it.
Yes, this is also a true story.
Although this happens more often to people assigned female at birth, it can happen regardless of sex.
But HOW?
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Dr. Freyd says that this occurs typically, “when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well-being.” This deception does not truly register because our attachment style & behaviors overshadow betrayal detection.
Let’s consider what ingredients could lay the emotional and psychological foundation for this to happen. Here are some commonalities of the individuals to whom this can happen. Of course, these are not always the case, but these commonalities are, well…. common.
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Financially or emotionally dependent on the betrayer
The betrayed witnessed one of their caregivers betray the other caregiver or parent
Emotionally vulnerable
(possibly due to a prior emotionally troubling event such as the death of a meaningful person in their lives, something that may have shaken their confidence, becoming a new parent. Pretty much anything that places you in an emotionally vulnerable place.)
To put it plainly, because you are dependent on the betrayer in some way that is vital to your well-being, an acknowledged betrayal is simply too emotionally & psychologically disturbing to accept. Betrayal blindness often occurs in intimate relationships where one person derives their sense of identity or belonging through that relationship as opposed to deriving their sense of self independently. With that in mind, if you acknowlegde the betrayal and respond accordingly, that may place your livelihood and sense of self in jeopardy.
Remember that your mind is always trying to protect you, even if its methods are contradictory & disregard your version of logic. This process that I am laying out is not conscious for the betrayed though. The mind is a powerful protector. With that in mind, your mind will override your senses (what you saw) and convince you that that could not have possibly happened because if it did, that is the end of your world as you know it. That is just “too psychologically troubling to accept, hence it didn’t happen.” Usually at the outset, the betrayed will oscillate between awareness and oblivion. However, eventually the memory drifts into oblivion.
Something similar happens with emotional trauma, neglect and sexual trauma. Lack of conscious awareness assists the survivor to cope or even survive through the trauma, especially if this is complex trauma. Sounds like a type of freeze response, right? Exactly.
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So how do we heal from Betrayal Blindness?
Just as in sexual trauma therapy, we bring the event into awareness and address it to begin to heal.
Healing from Betrayal Blindness requires a few key ingredients. A safe, supportive relationship, the ability to emotionally face the betrayal directly or at least indirectly at first. We must also identify what is authentic to who you are and have the willingness to step back and identify toxicity. Only then, can you choose an authentic relationship if that is what you desire. Certain realizations also have to happen. Identify what scares you about facing this reality, what you stand to lose, what support system you have and identifiy how to strengthen your own will to proceed with whatever you decide meets your needs.
My style in therapy is never to judge. The reality is that we are not 16 anymore. Just walking away is easier said than done and may not be an option at that time for you. That may be a harsh reality in your life and THAT IS OK. The realities of life are real and can not be ignored. However, that does not mean that you can not spend the time that you are suspended by your obligations to strengthen yourself emotionally and psychologically. The time may not be today, but this too shall pass. When the time is right, you can ensure that you are emotionally ready to position yourself authentically.
The Ugly & Uncomfortable Truth
The uncomfortable reality is that betrayal blindness can stabilize a toxic relationship. If you have ever been in a relationship with someone that displays narcissistic patterns you are all too familiar with this reality. Unfortunately, that stability is costly. It will cost you your sense of self. By default, the betrayed relinquishes their authenticity and sense of self in order to continue on with everyday life, the kids etc. When you deem the time to be appropriate, one can confront and come to understand the betrayal. At that point, one can decide if the relationship could or should be resuscitated.
I am of the belief that whatever the betrayed ultimately decides is the right choice for them at that time. Noone can make that determination but you. Whatever you choose is the right choice for you. However, the timing of your decision, to make a move or stay, is everything.
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Reference
Freyd, J., & Birrell, P. (2013). Blind to betrayal: Why we fool ourselves we aren't being fooled. John Wiley & Sons.