Desire: Why We Want What We Can’t Have
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Have you ever been in a situation where you realized that you didn’t want something until someone told you that you couldn’t have it? It actually seemed to make you want it even more. Yeah…welcome to being human. But why are we that way?
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In the Erotic Mind, Jack Morin (1995) presents the novel Erotic Equation. This equation provides insight into why we want what we have been made to believe that we cannot have.
Erotic Equation
Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement
If you already have a base level attraction to something or someone and then you add an obstacle, you will be drawn to it or them like a moth to a flame. For instance, if you had a colleague tell you that you can’t acquire something that you want (promotion, access to something beneficial) or even simply imply a roadblock, this probably inspired you to work even harder for it. Remember the shows Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous & Cribs (yes, I am aging myself). This was built entirely on that principle. Everyone has a base level attraction to wealth, but the obstacles to wealth are abundant. Hence, you are excited to watch the show to revel over everything that you do not have. Social media presents the exact same principle. Everyone on social media is living an amazing life, hence this sparks a bit of envy, deeper attraction and, of course, excitement.
Guess what? We are born that way. Have you ever seen a kid have a full-on temper tantrum when another kid plays with a toy that they haven’t thought about in months?
So Genevieve, what does this have to do with relationship therapy or sex therapy?
Have you ever found yourself a little bit jealous when the old partner that you broke up with is now in a new relationship?
In the context of attraction & human relationships, this equation is ubiquitous. Why are some people interested in someone that is taken? This new relationship is subconsciously an obstacle to the viewer. This obstacle (and the fact that they are clearly wanted by another) can make the person even more attractive.
Even within a relationship, obstacles can exist. The people in a long-distance relationship long to see each other and become enraptured in each other when they finally meet. The person that works alot is hard to access as their obligations keep them from being easily accessible. Yep, you guessed it. That is an obstacle that could make you desire them even more. The physical or emotional distance was the obstacle. Your mate makes reference to an old flame. Psychologically, the idea of the previous lover can become an obstacle to conquer.
Even for someone that is new or unknown to you, this equation is still present. The mystery created by the unknown itself is the obstacle. Now you have created the impression of mystery because they represent “something to be figured out” and then the base level attraction is sparked to a heightened level. The distance created by the mystery becomes the obstacle.
“When you’re erotically drawn to someone new, the mystery of the unknown creates a realization of distance.”
In this, lies a valuable key to maintaining attraction in a relationship.
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If you have been in a relationship for a while and the spark seems stale, ask yourself if you have both attraction and obstacles? Sometimes sex therapy sessions revolve around how to create & maintain both aspects of this equation. Let’s find out what you & your mate find attractive or erotic and lean into that as long as it aligns with your authenticity as well. Sometimes this attraction is learned simply by asking. Other times, we have to probe and ask “the right questions.” Sex therapy sessions are all about asking the right questions.
Next, we need an obstacle.
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In order to help us conceptualize helpful & healthy obstacles, we must first consider the Cornerstones of Eroticism hypothesized by Morin (1995).
The 4 Cornerstones of Eroticism
Longing and Anticipation
Violating Prohibitions
Searching for Power
Overcoming Ambivalence
(Think something new or adventurous about which you may have previously been ambivalent)
According to Morin (1995), these cornerstones are the commonalities observed in eroticism. SO, if the obstacle that ignites someone’s attraction is longing and anticipation, having a date night on the calendar can create the sense of anticipation, which in turn, fuels the attaction toward excitement. Think of how having the next vacation on your calendar fuels your excitement. We see this longing and anticipation with long-distance relationships or when the mate is out of town as mentioned before. This can also be created by the temporary creation of physical or emotional distance. Better yet, if the obstacle that ignites someone’s attraction is violating prohibitions, someone may consider some form of role play as they may have grown up in an environment where that was seen as naughty and becomes therefore attractive. With searching for power, these may be situations where one assumes the role of being either dominant or submissive (yes, there is power in both stances).
In sex therapy, everything is open for discussion. When we discuss attraction that may have waned in the relationship, this equation is one of the first considerations. If there are deeper issues, we uncover those and face them to empower your sexual well—being & relationship fulfilment.
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Reference
Morin, J. (1995). The Erotic Mind.
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