A Sex Therapist’s Top Myths of Female Pleasure

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Female pleasure is not complicated.

Despite what we’ve been led to believe, women’s bodies are not “more complicated” than men’s. Female pleasure is actually pretty simple, just less likely to be discussed and, by extension, understood.

It is fair to say that myths about female pleasure have been circulated for so long and have become so widespread that they have been accepted as societal truths even though they are myths. So let’s discuss some of the more prevalent myths because

Sex Education = Better Sex

and that minuscule hour of ‘reproductive education’ in the 5th grade gym with all of the other girls was likely grossly inadequate and riddled with more scare tactics than anatomy.

I remember the message from that presentation basically boiling down to:

1. Sex is for bad girls, not good girls

2. You will get pregnant & ruin your life and then, of course,

3. You will contract a disease and die so don’t have sex until you are married, but be amazing at it when you do.

And that, my friends, is the essence of formal sex education. It’s no wonder that people are uncomfortable talking about sex and are left learning the bare minimum about their own anatomy.

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Some sex myths are comical. Remember boys being told that they would go blind if they engaged in self-pleasure? As amusing as these myths may be, a sex myth can be detrimental to sexual well-being if it is believed. Education in this area can ultimately promote healthy relationships and of course, lay the foundation for pleasure. Let’s look at the facts that we have.

Fact # 1: Vagina ≠ Vulva

The top of the list is that what many women think of as their vagina is actually their vulva. The vulva is comprised of the external, visible structures of the female genitalia leading into the interior of the female reproductive tract. So basically everything that you can see down there from the external view is the vulva. The vagina is only internal. Think of the vaginal canal for birth or vaginal penetrative intercourse.

The vulva entails the urethral opening, the labia, clitoral glans & hood and the vaginal opening.

Fact # 2: Most Women Do Not Achieve Orgasm from Vaginal Sex Alone

If I had a dollar for every woman that thought something was wrong with her because she did not orgasm from vaginal penetration frequently or at all, I would be very wealthy. The short answer is only around 20% of women orgasm from penetration alone.

It comes down to anatomy. The clitoris is larger than previously believed and the majority of it is internal. It frankly looks an awful lot like the anatomy of the penis. Did you click the link to see the similarities?

It is also an erectile organ like the penis meaning that the clitoral body becomes erect too. What we see is just the tip of the iceberg.

Just like males, the most reliable route to an orgasm is by direct stimulation. The difference is that directly stimulating the clitoris is easiest by accessing the clitoral glans (the external part that you see). The larger portion is internal and can not be stimulated from the outside. Of course, it can be stimulated and that technique can be a topic of discussion during sex therapy conversations. All the same, the easiest route to orgasm is by directly stimulating the external clitoral glans. So expecting to reliably orgasm with vaginal penetration alone would be the equivalent of a man expecting to orgasm reliably without directly accessing his penis. Wouldn’t work as well, right?

It is also indeed possible to experience an orgasm and not realize it. Orgasms vary in intensity. Some are mind-blowingly transcendent and some are subtle.

Another interesting fact is the area of the brain that registers stimulation of the clitoris is the same area that registers nipple stimulation. That helps to explain why some women orgasm from nipple stimulation as well. An orgasm is not some elusive, mythical thing that only happens if the stars align. Believe it or not, you can learn how to make orgasms reliable and pleasurable, partnered or solo. Interested in learning? That is an aspect of sex therapy.

Fact # 3: Sexual desire can be both spontaneous and responsive

Once upon a time, it was believed that sexual desire only happened spontaneously. We are all familiar with this idea of sexual desire. You become mentally stimulated by thoughts and you are interested & ready. If you were not in the mood, you felt that it wouldn’t happen and you had no capacity for desire. We are all familiar with this idea of sexual desire.

On the contrary, we have Rosemary Basson (2001) to thank for her research in sexual desire as she introduced us to another form of desire known as responsive desire. Responsive desire happens when you feel a physical readiness for intimacy before you feel the mental desire. Imagine that you are already engaged in some sort of physically stimulating activity (kissing, touching etc.) and then you begin to feel mentally interested in taking things further. If you have ever not fully been in the mood, but proceeded anyway and then later thought, “well, that was rather nice”, you experienced responsive desire.

It is estimated that 5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire. I imagine that the numbers are even higher in real life. Many of us experience both responsive and spontaneous. Most people think that desire happens spontaneously so if it doesn’t happen before sex, then the desire is irregular or non-existent. Oh no, my friend. You may just need to engage a bit more before desire turns on for you. You may be unfairly labeling yourself as “no desire” or “low desire”.

Understanding the distinction between spontaneous and responsive sex drives can be an epiphany. Many clients are delighted to learn about responsive sex drives. When it comes to sex, it’s easy to believe that something is wrong with you or that you are not like everybody else. Learning that you’re completely normal can be an incredible relief.

Once you are able to dismiss fear and shame about your sex drive, you can direct that energy into discovering how to create a sex life that aligns with your own sex drive.

Fact # 4: Self-pleasure does not ruin your orgasms with a partner.

In reality, the opposite is true. Self-pleasure and exploring your body is the best way to learn what sort of stimulation works for you. When you share this knowledge with your partner, they now have more information to aid in your pleasure when you are together.

Orgasms beget orgasms.

The more you have, the better you become at having them in the future and the more you understand yourself. And if you are comfortable sharing this information with your partner, they can play an informed role when you are partnered. The difficulty for most couples is actually sharing that information. Your partner is not a mind reader and no, they don’t “just know.” Help them out and give them a clue because every person is different and what works for one person may not work for another. You have to let them know. Please note: it is helpful if you have some diversity in how you practice self-pleasure as this will provide a greater range with how you are able to reach orgasm.

Fact # 5: Female ejaculation & squirting are real

But they are not the same thing. Stay with me….

As most women know, it is possible to have an orgasm without ejaculating. Believe it or not, the same is true for men and we see this with some men that have experienced physical changes due to prostate surgery. Yes, these men are able to orgasm absent ejaculation. However when a woman ejaculates, some people call it squirting. Squirting is the release of fluid from a woman’s urethra during sexual activity. Yes, this is real. However, female ejaculation is the release of fluid from the Skene’s glands contained within the urethral sponge on either side of the urethra. Squirting = urine while ejaculation = fluid from the Skene’s glands. Some refer to the Skene’s glands as the female version of a man’s prostate gland due to their function and the proteins they produce.

So…. what is in it? According to a study by Salama et al (2015), it is a combination of fluid containing prostatic-specific antigen (PSA) from the Skene’s gland & urine. Interestingly, in the study this happened when emptiness of the bladder was confirmed via ultrasound before sexual activity. Now, if you are expecting to experience what you see in videos, that is often an exaggeration. What you see in those videos is exaggerated performance and sometimes the product of water packets inserted into the vagina before shooting the videos. Yes, really.

Fact # 6: The most important sex organ is between your ears

That is right. It is not what you think it is. If you don’t get anything else from perusing this website, it is surely this. The mind has the most profound effect on how we present sexually as long as there are no medical impairments to sexual activity. It is not a coincidence that many of the interventions that are utilized in psychosexual or sex therapy are based in mindfulness, self-acceptance and cognitive reframing. Dr. Daniel Watter (2022) has a saying. “The penis speaks".” What I love about this phrase is that he is essentially saying that whatever is psychologically happening for a man unconsciously may present itself sexually. The penis will express what the man cannot or is not quite consciously aware of. And yes, the vulva speaks as well. It is the same for women. This psychological manifestation can present as vaginismus, dyspareunia etc. If everything is fine medically, most sexual issues have a psychological component. This is where a sex therapist may be of assistance.

Fact No 7: Orgasms happen in the brain

OK, so yes orgasms are felt in the genitals or even all over the body. However, the orgasm itself happens in the brain. This may help to explain why certain medications such as some selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) affect orgasms for some people. When the roughly 10,000 nerve endings on the dorsal nerve of the clitoris (Peters et al, 2022) or 8,000 nerve endings within the penile dorsal nerve (Tunçkol et al, 2023) are stimulated, messages are sent to the nucleus accumbens, the brain’s pleasure center.

The brain also becomes flooded with oxytocin. This chemical is responsible for feelings of connection & bonding. Men and women experience this hormonal surge. However the higher levels of testosterone in the male brain may temper some of the effects, which may explain why many women experience more intense feelings of connection after sex than men.

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Those are the top myths that came to mind. However, if you have some that you would like debunked, let your favorite neighborhood sex therapist know and we can talk about it.

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